Tuesday, 26 February 2013

Oscar 2013: Red Carpet

We seem to have skipped a year but here we are...again! It is that time of the year and as you can see we cracked open the pink Möet & Chardon and were at the ready for another year.

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We made our notes. Some were a little meh, and others were wrong, so very wrong but that's how first impressions are. That combined with awful coverage of the red carpet event. Both on ontheredcarpet.com and the official ABC coverage that we get in Denmark. No one knew who anyone was wearing and that's quite frustrating when you want to let your public know the actual facts rather than come up with somewhat half-arsed guesses.

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Before we get to it, let's hear it for Wolfgang Puck and his gorgeous assistant in the cap food. He knows how to please a theater filled with starving starlets and actresses. While there are no rumours of any food related bitchfights, the ladies loos did overflow apparently, with soiled water but it's unclear if that's food related.

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The run through today is in no particular order and like in 2011 we've decided to surprise you as you scroll down, never knowing if you'll find Bjork or Celine Dingdong or other hideousness next. It's all about the surprises and mystery here at 'Petras Palace. We like that.

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First up was Fatima Ptacek. She's wearing a sort of tiered tuille dress with a lace top. Not at all age appropriate and I'm sad to say it makes her look like a loo brush. That said, if you look at her from the neck up, she looks really pretty. Great hair, makeup is fresh and the ear rings are spot on.

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I'm only really bringing up Fan Bingbing up because I LOVE HER NAME! How can you not love someone whose name is Fan Bingbing. Of course she looks fabulous in this pink Marchesa gown. Hair, makeup jewellery, skintone and dress goes perfectly together. The purse is irrelevant.

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Emanuelle Riva may look a bit like the crypt keeper but for someone who was born in 1927 she looks quite well and the dress is very dignified. She is the female lead in the Austrian Oscar winning movie (best foreign film) Amour and they showed some old dude smack her over the head in the introduction as she was lying there defenceless in bed. I felt sorry for her, and it has given me a bizzarre curiosity to watch the movie now.

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I don't think I've every really scolded Halle Berry for wearing something ugly. She looks simply stunning in this Bondesque Versace dress. Apparently it was created especially for Halle for this event by Donatella Versace herself which is just as well, as the Versace collection of recently was pretty hideous. As I've not checked the collection out myself, I'm taking the word of someone who was at the show. I guess my personal invitation from Donatella Versace got lost in the mail.

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We adore Jacki Weaver, we really do but I think her outfits are usually very hit or miss. Mostly miss. In the past Jacki has worn Australian designer Collette Dinnigan and I see no reason why this couldn't be such a design. To me though, it seems like she really liked the top and needed a skirt so she took her silk sheet and wrapped it around her. However credit where credit is due, she has secured her bingowings and wears beautiful jewellery.

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I have always said that I hate yellow dresses and I really do. However seeing Jane Fonda in this bright yellow Versace dress with shoulder pads we have to accept the fact that this is fabulous! Combined with the gold shoes and clutch it's how it's done. She doesn't look a day over 40 so she can thank her plastic surgeon L'oreal and their cremes.

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Charlize Theron in a white Dior Haute Couture dress. I find it to be a bit too Hollywood bridal and the only thing that saves it is her short hair. The Brigitte Nielsen crop makes it edgier but I'm not keen on white dresses on the red carpet. I hope she didn't have to go to the loo during the show.

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Witchy Helena Bonham-Carter is usually not on the best dressed list. Usually she looks very witchy but today not so much. She's been seen in a lot worse than this Vivienne Westwood dress. The dress is a little curtainesque/mosquitonetesque but good for her. She looks happy.

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Helen Hunt wearing a blue H&M Global Initiative dress that looks like something I could have made in school. Maybe she wanted to signal that anyone could look like her, and while I wouldn't really want that to happen clotheswise at least, and that the ensemble would be affordable. So let's forget the fact that she was wearing $700,000 worth of diamonds. Bless.

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Giuliana Rancic chopped off part of her long locks and donned this black Rafael Cennamo dress. I feel like we've seen this before, and not just because the top part looks like a dirty napkin. Now we could talk about the unflattering thing going on in her crotchal area but I can't help lookng at her arm and wrist. Christ she's skinny! I do hope she's not had a relapse.

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Amanda Seyfried wearing Alexander McQueen. At first glance I couldn't make up my mind about it but now I really like the dress. Not keen on the hair though and maybe this dress wasn't the right one for her because of the armpit wrinkle fat which is cruel to talk about but it's just there. LOOK!

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Cathrine Zeta-Jones has made one too many trips to the plastic surgeon and on her way home she picked up this dated gold Zuhair Murad gown. I really don't think it works on her, and my first thought was No, no, no! PS hate the ear rings.

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I love Anne Hathaway, she's the toast of Hollywood and she's usually impeccably dressed. There are so many people loving this look however all I see is a scrawny girl in a pale pink Prada dress with bows on the back and has side fat, armpit fat and what looks like bionic nipples. Anne Hathaway however is a lovely, a bit too skinny girl with fabulous hair, a fantastic smile and great jewellery. Bless. Congratulations on the award, you talented actress you.

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Another fantastic actress Amy Adams in a pale blue Oscar de la Renta gown. I do really like this one however I feel like I've seen this one before by multiple designers including Karl Lagerfeld for Chanel on Penelope Cruz and there was the Horseface Sarah Jessica Parker dress a few years ago at the same event. It doesn't change the fact that she looks great.

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Let's be honest. It's not an easy job for a designer to dress the likes of Adele. Of course Jenny Packham did a fine job. Adele has been pulled, squeezed, locked and loaded to an inch of her life. Very flattering but I'm not keen on the beehive and the dragqueen makeup. It looked a lot worse during her performance of Skyfall.

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Meryl Streep in a dress that looks like one she's worn before. I don't have much to say about it as it's not all that flattering but it's Meryl Streep so I'll allow it.

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Kelly Rowland looking fabulous in Donna Karen Atelier but as much as I like it, it looks like something I've seen before. Also I hate the bangs, HATE.

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Keri Washington clashing with the burgundy carpet in this Miu Miu dress and red bag. I think the dress is beautiful but it's an unfortunate colour combination and whenever she speaks she sounds like the coldest and least empathic person on earth. She looks lovely though.

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There's nothing to say except here is Kristin Chenoweth looking gorgeous in Tony Ward Couture.

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This is Lucy Alibar white dress. It looks a little bit like my grandmothers white net curtain has been attached to a white dress. Not in the bad way mind.

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I've been feeling a bit on and off about Kelly Osbournes hair colour. I really didn't get it but now I do. She looks great in this Tony Ward Couture dress. Kelly looks comfortable and radiant and my god she's come a long way since her chunky teen days. There's only one thing that could make this look any better was if she'd worked on toning her arms. Maybe next year.

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Marcia Gay Harden looks like she's about to pee herself in a red David Meister dress. I don't have a lot of issues with it. In fact if it weren't for the sleeves which I hate with a passion, it would have been a good look. I realise there's a reason for the sleeves, which is hiding the bingowings but they should have been different.

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Kristin Stewart looking surly in this Reem Acra atrocity. I've got one thing written down about it in my notes "Good god no!"

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Jennifer Aniston in a red Valentino creation. Unlike Marcia Gay Harden who looked like she was about to pee herself, it looks like Jennifer is letting one go under there and no ones the wiser. Apparently the took off a lot of fabric but my point is that she could still hide a village under there. At least she's the only place she can get away with it. Here and in Gone With The Wind, Miss Aniston.

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A pregnant Jenna Dewan-Tatum in a lace Rachel Roy doily dress. I think we saw this on Russell Blands mother a few years ago but Jenna looks a lot better in it. As much as the hair is a little dated it still looks good.

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Maria Menounos clashing with the carpet in a pink Romona Keveza dress looking a little like the missing member of Girls Aloud. Apart from the hair, this is a good look. The bag is fab.

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Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner. They look very happy together. Jennifer is wearing an eggplant Gucci dress, and I'm thinking how does she sit down in that dress? With all that detail at the back it would be a nightmare. Notice the armpit wrinkle fat. Cruel but true.

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Jennifer Hudson wearing this lovely Roberto Cavalli Couture dress. She looks a lot better than back in 2011 when she wore that orange atrocity and she seems to have gotten her groove back even if she's still one of the other skinny bitches. I hate the hair. The bangs and the hairstyle and the length of it. Sad.

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Jennifer Lawrence i a white Dior Haute Couture gown. My notes say "bridal" and to be honest I think this belongs on top of a wedding cake rather than on the red carpet at the Oscars. It's a beautiful dress though and she's pretty.

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This is Jessica Chastain in what appears to be a see-through Armani Privé. She's pretty but I am hypnotised by what appears to be her undergarments. Bless.

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It's not easy to dress Melissa McCarthy. She's a fabulous and I still remember her as Sookie on Gilmore Girls but this David Meister dress is not flattering in any way (except hiding her hams) and the backcombing is ridiculous. I like the purse though and the cheeky crystal embellishments on the shoulder. Bless.

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Reese Witherspoon is looking very Botoxy in this blue Louis Vuitton dress. It's all about the fit and looking at her in profile it looks like she's about 10 weeks pregnant. It's such a snooze. It's like she took her usual Armani dress and brought it to Louis Vuitton and said "I'd like this in blue".

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This 9 year old girl is Quvenzhane Wallis and she's wearing a blue Armani Junior princess dress, sparkly ballet slippers and the most fabulous puppy purse ever. To be honest I'm not keen on the dress but the purse, hair and hair band are fantastic. Adorable.

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Queen Latifah is wearing a white Badgley Mischka dress. I don't like the colour on her and I wish they'd given her a shawl of some kind to hide her upper arms.

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Renee Zellwegger is wearing a silver Carolina Herrera dress. This dress is all about the fit, and it's a great fit for her.

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Robin Roberts is wearing a blue velvet Marc Bouwer dress. In any other fabric I might have liked it but I am not feelig the velvet.

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Salma Hayek is wearing an Alexander McQueen. It's a gorgeous dress but it requires someone with a very long neck, and that Salma Hayek does not have. Pity. I like the hair and that I didn't have to listen to her talk.

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Sally Field is wearing a red dress by Valentino. It seems that's all he does. There's so much fabric here it looks like she's hiding Melissa McCarthy under there. With a lot of editing it would look stunning on her. I'd like to see Melissa McCarthy in a variation of this.

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Samantha Barks in a black Valentino - how novel. The plunging neckline is very inappropriate for the Oscars but otherwise young and fresh look for her.

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Nancy O'Dell in this blue number. No, just no. The shoes are lovely though.

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Naomie Harris in this gold number. All I can think is Koochicoo and let's leave it at that.

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Nicole Kidman in this black and gold sequinned L'Wren Scott. Oh, how the mighty have fallen. She used to dress so well, and now she's taking ideas from her husband. In 2011 we saw her in a crystal embroided napkin and now this. The madam hair seems to have caught on as well. I hope she'll realise her mistakes before it's too late. Bring back the red ketchup bottle bow dress from Balmain!

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Spencer Octavia looking stunning in this Tadashi Shoji dress. I just wish both upper arms were completely covered by the tuille.

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Norah Jones also in Tadashi Shoji. It's all about the fit. Fit, fit, fit because it's a gorgeous dress. The crotchal area is looking a little odd and needs fixing. Love the hair.

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I don't want ot incite a riot so I wont reveal the identities of these two, but all I can say is, this sort of tribal cray cray has no place on the Oscar red carpet. There, I was culturally insensitve. Deal with it.

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Zoë Saldana is wearing this Alexis Mabille Couture dress. I'm not crazy about the belt, the bow or the shoes. It's all about editing here. Otherwise she'd look stunning.

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Sofia Alves thinking she's going to the Nicolodeon awards or something. No, really no.

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Stacy Keibler is back to being George Clooneys Oscar date. She's wearing this Naeem Kahn dress. I'm not crazy about the top but otherwise I'm finding this an interesting dress.

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Dame Shirley Bassey looking fantastic in black. She doesn't look a day over 50.

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Sandra Bullock looking fantastic in Elie Saab. Hate the purse though.

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George Clooney my future husband in Giorgio Armani with his beard Oscar date Stacy Keibler.

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Hugh Jackman and his mother Linda Evans wife. Hugh is wearing Tom Ford. I love how his mother Linda Evans wife is also wearing a suit and looking very comfortable

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Joseph Gordon-Levitt is wearing the wrong jacket. Bad Joseph, bad!

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Dwight Henry is looking a little Vegas with that sparkly vest, but the shoes are spot on.

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Jeremy Renner is looking very dapper in Givenchy. Any man who wears Givenchy is a-okay in my book!

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Chris Tucker needs a new bow tie. It looks like a dead moth.

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Ang Lee and his future wife. Nice to see another woman wearing a suit. Not that I want everyone to do that. Not at all, but one or two is fine.

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Bradley Cooper looking very dapper with his mother. His mother is apparently wearing trainers and skinned a Fraggle before hitting the carpet.

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Daniel Radcliff looking very dapper in Prada.

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There's been a lot of talk about Naomi Watts in this silver Armani Privé. Everyone is going crazy about it. I must admit I don't like the top half, but other than that it's very nice. Her hair is a little sloppy.

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Olivia Munn in this red Marchesa. Very pretty indeed but the pearl bracelet just looks ridiculous.

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The host Seth McFarlane of Family Guy and Ted fame hosted the awards and while I can't tell you if the suit shown above is Gucci I can tell you that he wore Gucci on the evening. I think he looks very dashing.

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Best dressed of the evening this year was definitely Oscar himself though. Classic and fitted to perfection.

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To finish this rather long post off, you get this photo of Amy Adams posing for the cameras. Now please, if you feel up for it, then pick a photo and either caption it, describe the outfit or comment on the situation. I think it would be fun for me.

Although this is hard work, I expect to do it all again next year.